Condi of the Spirits?

For Wholly without Merit John:

What's Love Got to Do with It?

By now, many of you have heard of Zach, the youngster who bravely came out of the closet to his parents and was promptly shipped off to a camp run by Love in Action, "ex-gays" who specialize in convincing teenagers that they're not really interested in a future involving hairdressing and interior design. The teenager has not been heard from since, and it is presumed that he's locked up in a cabin somewhere, forced to watch Rambo movies until he's... well, scared straight. Here is a good summary of the horrifying story, just in case you haven't read about it. Even better, though, is this article at Bay Windows Online, posted just today, in which we get to hear some pretty scary stories from people who have been through the "ex-gay" gristmill.

I think this is an important story, because a lot of people, I believe, don't really think hairdresserphobia is still a problem. I mean, there they are all over TV (as long as they're kept in minstrel roles)! There they are having parades right down Main Street! There they are getting married in Canada!

Read the article and realize there is much progress to be made. And to keep it a photo blog, here's the head of the Republican Party, Ken "I'm straight, but that's off the record" Mehlman:

Dick 'n' Hank

Sure, I've rearranged them some, but all the above quotes are verbatim from an amusing interchange between Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger, sneak released last night by the State Department and lovingly re-enacted here by the Pony Pal™ Players.

If you'd like to learn more --too much, probably-- about Knoxie, Trotski and their friends, go here.

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

It's always so cute when fun pair Condi 'n' Kofi pretend to like each other:

Reuters photo from earlier today. See related post: Kondi 'n' Kofi Sitting in a Tree.

What Would Tom Do?

I don't know if it's because there isn't much going on, or if it's because there's a dizzying overabundance of things going on, but I'm having trouble coming up with ideas for things to Photoshop at the moment. Feel free to shout out requests!

In the meantime, here's Pony Pal™ extraordinaire Uncle Splatty, filling the gap not once, but twice, with what else but Tom Cruise!

"Katie, I'm Not Interested in Running for Anything."

That's what Condi said on the Today Show this morning. So there you go!

Follow-Up: Planted Propaganda in Parade Magazine?

This morning, I wrote about an anomalous item in Parade Magazine's "Personality Parade" feature which was published yesterday. Amongst the usual celebrity queries was one question which stuck out like a sore thumb. Unfortunately, it won't be available online for a week, but thanks to Pony Pal™ Snidely Whiplash, we now have a scan of it:

Seriously, is this item planted? This trashy column is, indeed, penned by "The Truth About Hillary" author Edward Klein, writing anonymously as "Walter Scott", as documented in the New York Daily News and elsewhere. Here, the man beloved by the GOP is giving an obvious wet kiss to their Social Security agenda, attempting to legitimize it by conjuring up the supposedly-nonpartisan Alan Greenspan, and by presenting the idea of benefits cuts as inevitable; And all this is placed neatly in a cutesy Q&A column which usually concerns itself with the kind of hard-hitting info requested in the subsequent question seen here.

Did one of "Personality Parade"s celebrity-addled fans actually send in this question, or did Klein simply make it up to help his Republican buddies? Does "B. Morse" of Tucson, Arizona really exist? Possibly. Possibly not.

UPDATE: I published a diary about this at Daily Kos and got some amusing comments in response.

Dashing David Dreier

And who the heckedy-heck is David Dreier? Why, he's the Republican Congressman who loves to pass hairdresser-unfriendly legislation even though he's a closeted hairdresser himself. Um... OK, that doesn't narrow things down enough. He's the one from California.

He's also the guy who will be mentoring Tony Blair's son when young, lithe Master Blair becomes a freshly-scrubbed intern. What could go wrong? You can find out lots and lots more about Mr. Dreier here and here.

This Just In!

Breaking news from CNN.com: The Internet Transforms Modern Lives. OMFG!!

Apparently CNN, once again, has been hacked by mad satirists.

UPDATE: See a screenshot and more related mockery of CNN at Gawker.

Dear PARADE Magazine:

To the editors:

I was reading your magazine yesterday because I was going long distances on the Metro and, you know, I would have read a cereal box if I had one. But anyway, you know that inside-front-cover feature? The one where people ask questions about celebrities? Well, I thought it was really strange yesterday that one of your readers asked what Alan Greenspan thought of Bush's Social Security plan.* Since when are economic policy questions answered in this column? Isn't this usually the place where people ask whatever happened to Bea Arthur or who's Ben Affleck dating now?

The answer to the question was... interesting. It turns out that Greenspan, who we should all trust, thinks that we need to get comfortable with the idea of our SS benefits getting cut.

Who writes this stuff? Oh, yeah! It's Edward Klein! You know, the guy who just wrote "The Truth (sic) About Hillary"! You know, if he wasn't such a... um... prestigious author, I'd guess that this was a totally faked question, inserted into Parade Magazine as another favor to the GOP, since their SS plan is falling on such deaf ears amongst the very groups most likely to read Parade Magazine.

But I'm not that cynical.

Luv,

Princess Sparkle Pony

*Pony Pals™: Did any of you save Parade from yesterday? I meant to save mine, but the heat got to me. Can one of you helpful darlins scan it for me, so that I can post it here?

Ballgame

Yes, yes, all the local news stations are reminding me this morning that Condi went out on a date to the Nationals game last night:

During which she took the opportunity to give her date a hand job (kids, ask your parents. Wait, never mind... don't):

And, as you can see, it was an "up-do" affair.

Follow-up: Flagmania!

I wrote about how silly the "flag-burning ammendment" is a couple of days ago. I also pointed out that reporting on it posed some problems for picture editors, since there's a dearth of photos of actual Americans burning actual American flags.

As a result, sadly, most online articles are not embellished with photos. But my prediction that we'd be seeing pictures of people in other countries (who, presumably, would not be effected by a ban on flag desecration ammended to the US Constitution, duh) burning Old Glory came true here at Wired News, here at BBC News, and it's hard to tell in the AP photo used by The Coloradoan, but I'm willing to bet that ain't the US, either. I'm not sure, though, what the heck is going on over at the scarily-named World Crisis Web, which illustrates their article with a weird picture of an American flag about to be burned by... a Jesus candle? Huh?

By far my favorite coverage is at Newsmax, which uses the story as an excuse for --what else?-- Hillary bashing, in a vitriolic article interspersed with ads, coincidentally, for Ed Klein's comedic anti-Hillary book.

I Apologize in Advance for the Nightmares

Regular contributer and Pony Pal™ Uncle Splatty emailed me this vision of pure horror the other day:

I was a little reluctant to post it because... well, because it gave me intensely bad dreams. Uncle Splatty explains:

Condi is ready to Iraq your world and soothe the troubled dispositions of America's trembling coalition partners (including Poland) on a moment's notice! She comes with big green, multi-ethnic rotating eyes, which pop out quickly for convenient cleaning, gravity sensitive eyelids which open and close when she is turned upsidedown for some I see you fun, plus push technology® flip curls which can be expanded and contracted to reflect the changing needs of her chamelion-like horror hair by simply pulling a lever in her anatomically accurate spine. Finally, Condi proudly sports the Peteykins Carry All Socket Purse®, which contains all the exciting paraphernalia of a busy, on-the-go, cabinet level professional. Lipstick, blusher, eyeliner pencil, Phi Beta Kappa key, shellac, mace, re-chargeable taser, bobby pins, breath mints, two Everlast Condoms® and the top secret codes for launching the Presidential Nuclear "Football" in the event of a major and ill-timed pretzel incident.

And in case you're wondering what's up with the purse, it's Splatty's tribute to this picture I did last week for Fark.

What's funny, though, is that there really is a Condi doll, as I previously reported. Mine just came in the mail a few days ago, and I'm more than satisfied. And thank goodness it doesn't look like Uncle Splatty's possessed demonoid. I'll try to take some action shots of my new-most-treasured toy this weekend.

Shadow Diplomacy

The above is an unaltered Reuters photo of Condi this morning in London.

Jerry Falwell Lashes Out at Mr. Peanut

Those adorable Fundies are at it again! Remember how they boycotted Disney, thus bringing them to their knees (in prayer, natch!)? Wait a minute, did somebody say that boycott had no effect whatsoever? Blasphemy!

Well, now Jerry Falwell wants his minions to boycott Kraft Foods, for having the good business sense temerity to co-sponsor the 2006 Gay Games in Chicago. Oh, I just bet the executives at Kraft, whose brands include Planters Peanuts (see above), Post Cereals, Oscar Meyer, Kool-Aid, Jell-o and Maxwell House, are simply quaking in their Gucci loafers. Or not:

"We are standing behind our sponsorship," said Alyssa Burns, a Kraft spokeswoman. "It's something we want to support."

Go here to get a larger version of the above Misters Peanut graphic.

Houston? Iraq? Same Diff

Here's a quickie: Iraq isn't so bad, says Tom DeLay. Why, it's no more dangerous than Houston, really!

Wow, really? There must be a whole bunch more car bombing in Houston than I remember.

Quickie #2: If you want to laugh a lot, check out this breathtaking photo essay detailing President Bush's peculiar compulsion to manhandle bald heads. Photo journalism at it's very best at Juliusblog (via Wonkette).

Condi 'n' Kofi Sitting in a Tree

The scene earlier today in Brussels.

The Flag Protection Legislation is Very Silly

So... *ahem* yes, the new measure to outlaw monkey business with the American Flag has just sailed through the House. This is very important! Stop laughing! Because, you know, I can hardly go anywhere without seeing people burnin' on Old Glory. For shame!

Please. This is just an excuse for toxic creeps like Tom DeLay to cynically lather himself up with the flag, and a no-win situation for people who think such legislation is silly. Anybody who dares suggest that all this fuss is pure jingoistic shenanigans will be quickly denounced as an America-hating Saddam-cuddler.

Don't think, even for a second, that this is a serious issue.

EDIT: I've been trying to identify the flag immolation shown in the very dramatic photo AFP used to illustrate the article linked above:

I bet that photo wasn't even shot in the US (I've written to them to see). It's probably from Serbia, Iran, Iraq or Korea, recent hotspots of symbolic flag fires (notice how it's cropped to despecify the location). I also checked around the other photo services (Corbis, Getty, etc.), and I wasn't able to find a single photo of an American burning the US flag. That's because it hardly ever happens, you dopes! Keep your eyes open for the next few days, and I bet you'll see a lot of stories about this illustrated with people burning the flag... in other countries, because they won't be able to find any domestic footage.

EDIT 2: Ha, ha! I just saw the local NBC news report on the legislation, and they used some lame footage of college students doing something to a flag, but they weren't burning it. Also, AP managed to dig up this photo of a hippie burning the flag in Portland.

PR Suggestion for Condi

Here's Condi this morning, freshly landed in Belgium, frisky 'n' ready to rumble. She's being welcomed in this photo by "Belgian cycling legend" and presumed superstar Eddie Merckx:

Uhhh... what an honor! A cycling legend, for goodness' sake! Just an idea, Condi, but maybe you should arrange to get you some more glamourous greeters? Hello? Try to get a really big star, one who really knows how to sing a gal's praises. Somebody who could really jump up and down on a couch for the USA:

Well, OK, maybe not Tom Cruise, but you get the idea.

Breaking the Law

Today in the Washington Post, Dave McKenna accomplished a remarkable achievement, one which few (if any) other rock journalists are capable of: He wrote an entire review --five whole paragraphs!-- of the Judas Priest reunion show without ever once describing lead singer Rob Halford with an adjective starting with the letter 'g'.

Bravo!

Condi Bores the Photographers Again

This morning in Egypt, the Reuters photographers once again settled into their usual routine of prioritizing Condi's more-interesting surroundings:

Just Because Cheney Has Been So Annoying Lately

Hey, Dick! I think that pie is in its last throes!

A Suggestion

Here's Condi earlier today (Reuters photo) in Jerusalem, caught in action wagging her finger. Wagging her finger!

Listen Hon, if you really want to wage a "charm offensive," you've got to stop it with the finger wagging. A suggestion:

That's better.

Global Warming? What Global Warming?

CNN Attains New Low

In response to John in commentsland: It's real. I didn't make it up.

Splatstravaganza!

I've been a little under the weather for the last few days; some kind of glitter-borne virus, I suspect. Luckily, Pony Pal™ Uncle Splatty has stepped in to fill the gap. Take it away, Splatty!

Finally...A hairstyle a dye job and a thong I can live with! I realize the editorial policy at the Pony may frown on this kind of...em....exuberance, but I had fun letting Miss Rice's hair down and wanted to share this beautiful moment with you quietly...

Splatty continues:

Who knows? This may give our Lady of Perpetual National Security a new lease on life and a bounce in her step. Like that guy in the Enzyte commercials. :0) One can always hope. And yes, sweetheart, you DO look good.

And last, but not least, Mon Oncle Californien concludes:

And, while Dick is hot with Condi, it's nice to know that Kerry is blowing something too!

Isn't it Strange...

... that all the fundamentalist groups who went on and on AND ON about the Terry Shiavo case are so curiously silent now that the autopsy report proves that she was, indeed, severely brain damaged with no hope of recovery? I mean, these groups were all-Shiavo, all the time a few months ago, and now, for instance:
•Agape Press: No report.
•Focus on the Family: No report.
•Family Research Council: No report.

Isn't that curious? One could almost say that, no longer of any use to them, they've shed her like a husk.

UPDATE: It took them a couple of days. but Agape Press managed to spin it after all.

Condi, Influenced by Proximity to Angelina Jolie, Turns Ass to Cameras

Reuters photo. Also, while we're at it, note that today was an "updo" day. And finally... damn, I really didn't think I was ever going to have to have Jolie on this blog. What's next, Paris Hil***CARRIER LOST***

Oh HELL no!

The last time I photoshopped Senator John Cornyn (R-TX), I came up with this:

Pray that I never have to revive what I whipped up today:

Why? Well, according to the latest popularity polls (you know, the ones I'm totally unable to find right now? Little help here?), Mr. Cornyn ranks dead last in the Senate, so is it any wonder, with this kind of brazen unpopularity, that his boss, GW, is making kissy noises in his direction and others are chattering about his suitability for the Supreme Court?

Try saying it ten times without vomiting: Supreme Court Justice Cornyn... Supreme Court Justice Cornyn... Supreme Court Justice Cor.........

Darn. So much for that keyboard. :(

Who the Heck is Kent Conrad?

He's the Democrat Senior Senator from North Dakota, and he's a little red-faced right now. Seems he's the only Democrat who forgot to co-sponsor the anti-lynching referendum all the kids are talking about. Everybody screamed! Luckily, he snapped out of it and signed up, and currently the record shows that the only wankers not to are --surprise!-- Republicans, and mostly from --surprise again!-- the South.

But take a look at Conrad's record. He's kinda interesting in a wishy-washy way; a real moderate who, on the one hand, hates families (according to the Christian Coalition) and, on the other, loves big business.

And, yep, his first name really is Gaylord, even though that little tidbit is curiously absent from his web site. And you just know that his Republican colleagues never ever refer to him as that behind his back.

C'mon, Mr. Conrad... it's June; it's that time of year for... um... Gaylord pride.

*snicker*

Children's Crusade?

Pony Pal™ ksandre, after reading yesterday's post about military recruitment difficulties, turned me on to this frightening article about efforts to acclamate pre-high schoolers to their future careers. Wheee! It's like playing cowboys and Indians, but with Arabs instead of... um... cowboys. ksandre* writes:

...the reason I think you will appreciate this, Princess Sparkle Pony, is because of resemblance to Condi in the lead picture here:

I did I complete double-take when I saw it, then immediately thought it a must have for a Sparkle Pony rating. Enjoy.

Whoah! Resemblance? I think what we're really seeing is the beginnings of a whole army of Condi clones!

Others are also doing their best to prepare tots for their inevitable military futures. See that picture at the top of this post? I didn't make it; it's from this site. Throw a Gitmo-themed birthday party for your toddler this year! Play a rousing game of "Pin the urine stain on the Koran"! Hooray!

*Special message to internet users: Please reconsider using all-lowercase for your user names. Nobody likes to start a sentence that way.

Danger: Steep Hairdressers Ahead

Have you heard the one yet about the Fundamentalist who wants hairdressers and interior decorators to have warning labels? Well, if you haven't, then this is apparently the first blog you've read today. Here's my take:

The Day All Network News Stopped

I just got home from work, and through force of habit, flicked on the TV. Oops. I guess some trial is over near Santa Barbara and the jury's in and... well, apparently it's the most important thing in the whole wide world because every single channel has ceased all commercial interruptions to cover this breaking event. And here I am watching it. Whoopsie, no I'm not; I turned it off.

UPDATE: This comment from Pony Pal™ Pretty Princess Tori is totally worth moving from the comments ghetto to the front page:

One woman I work with got a phone call. She jumpped up in her cube and announced that her daughter's water had broken and she was going to the hospital to witness the birth of her first grandchild. She then waited 5 minutes to hear the verdict... I only wish I was making this up.

It's Getting Drafty in Washington

After four straight months of missing their recruitment goals (which had already been revised downward), the word "draft" is being increasingly bandied about. Scary. The Selective Service says, "No worries... for now." Isn't that comforting?

So how do all you Soccer Security Moms feel about the Bush administration now?

I Have Issues with Prickly City

Since October, The Washington Post's comics pages has been running Prickly City, a daily strip featuring a little girl and her --I think-- cat. A little conservative Republican girl and her cat. Lately, the creator's target has been PBS, and so it is in today's Sunday strip, with a little Hillary bashing thrown in for good measure:

First of all, I think Prickly City's awful, awful artwork is enough to exile it forever to the land of wind and ghosts. More importantly, though... what the heck is it doing in the comics section? Clearly this is editorial cartooning; the strip never wavers from its partisan Republican goals. Most papers, including the Post, banished Doonesbury from the funny pages long ago, because they felt the strip was too political, too controversial, and would fit more happily elsewhere in the paper. I have no problem with this. So what's different about Prickly City?

Plus, if I want GOP talking points, I'll look at the Washington Times.

Advice to Photographers

I'm an amateur photographer, and not a terribly good one. That said, I've got a little advice for AP snapper Kevin Wolf: Don't use the wide-angle lens on Condi, like you did last night:

That's just mean.

Spokane Rolls its Collective Eyes

Remember this guy? That's Jim West, the embattled mayor of Spokane, Washington. Ever since he was caught with his hand in the adolescent boy cookie jar, everybody in the city, including his own local Republican Party, has been begging him to resign.

Now he's attempting a classic move, playing his "get out of Hell free" card:

I've decided to fill the emptiness in my life that I was trying to fill through other means with a relationship with God. I'm reading a proverb and three psalms a day and am attending church on a regular basis for the first time in my life and it's been wonderful and I've felt very welcomed. I also meet weekly with a few pastors and they are very supportive.

Neato, Mr. West! Maybe you can start a "back in the closet" club with Jeff Gannon!

AP Joins Scientific Journal, Princeton University in Humiliating Boyish GOP Loser

OK, so there's this study about how we react to politician's faces and blah, blah, blah... you know, whatever. It's one of those boring studies with obvious, yet expensive, results. But what really cracked me up was the meanness of their case study, which compares the manly, distinguished face of Russell Feingold (um... whatever floats your boat, I guess), the victorious Democratic Senator from Wisconsin, against his vanquished foe, baby-faced Tim Michels (below).

Forget the issues or anything else voters may have cared about, it's all about the face, baby! And as AP humiliatingly reports, Michels is sadly lacking:

Scientists have found that voters frequently pick the candidates with more mature looks, exuding competence, over those who have certain features _ round face, big eyes, small nose, high forehead, small chin _ in other words, a babyface.

And this is in the photo caption, embarrassingly, right next to a picture of the boyish offender. Mr. Michels is gonna get a lot of teasing! You know, I almost feel sorry for Timmy, so I'm going to offer my own patented suggestion to make the cherubic right-winger more appealing to voters:

The "I Like Kittens" button... gets 'em every time.

Web Roundup

Just two quickies to start the day:

1. Michael Jackson: Does Anyone Care, ponders cnn.com. I'm assuming they mean anyone other than cnn.com. What a load of hogwash coming from the channel which has breathlessly covered every minute of the trial at the expense of other more important stories.

2. Real or fake? Not even snopes.com is sure. Kudos to the mystery Photoshopper if it's fake.

Condoleezza Hairdo Status Report: The Honeymoon's Over

It's only two weeks old today, and Condi's already having issues with her new coiffure:

Ear over?


Ear under?

Decisions, decisions!

The Washington Post Made My Lunch Stupid Again

I have a special relationship with the Washington Post, just as I once had with the Los Angeles Times when I lived on the West Coast: On my way to the Metro station, I buy the paper from Jerry, the friendly neighborhood paper vendor. On the train, I usually get through the A section and the curiously-small and uniformative Metro section. Later, at lunch, I usually finish off the "lite" sections, Style, Food, Health (to quote the Simpsons, "You know, chick crap."), etc.

It's a nice relationship, but I often have to chastise my little newsprint buddy. Today, for instance, the Post ran one of the most deleriously stupid articles I've ever seen, featured proudly on the front page of the Style section. Titled, cutely, "Go-Go-Go Beat", the startling revelations of the reporter are truly earth shattering: People love music. Some people love music so much, they actually listen to it on portable devices while carrying on their busy days! The author puts particular emphasis on a strange little gadget called an "iPod". Have you noticed? They're popular!

OMG!

It's the kind of article that really makes me miss my special relationship with the LA Times. Luckily, CJR daily also noticed it, so please enjoy them at the top of their game as they rip the article to shreds.

And you can click here, if you wish, to view my exciting alternative Special Edition iPod.

Wire Service Photographer, Already Over Condi's New Hairdo, Lets His Attention Wander

Unaltered AFP photo from yesterday. I've written before (here and here) about how the poor jaded photographers, assigned to document Condi's every move and scowl, often get bored and resort to "arty" solutions to their journalistic predicament.

What If You Threw a Republican Love Boat...

...and nobody came? Even with Bill O'Reilly as your cruise director? It's tragic.

Corporate Media Finally Notices Condoleezza's New Hairdo

This report finally clawed its way to the surface at usnews.com:

The most famous flip in Washington since Jackie Kennedy 's is getting a sophisticated, maybe even presidential, remake. We hear that Secretary of State Condi Rice is ditching her trademark flip and moving to a more elegant French twist and other upswept designs. "I'm surprised nobody's noticed," said one pal about the media's obsession with Rice's fashion. "People kept thinking she'd cut it. But then she came in one day with a whole new do. It's like a big blowout of the hair." The insider's assessment was that the change is for the best. "She was mocked on Saturday Night Live for her hair, so it's a good thing."

Sparkle Pony readers knew about this, what, 1 1/2 weeks ago?

My Work is Done Without Me Again

You might think that this photo is a bizarre Photoshop job:

But you'd be wrong! It's actually an unaltered Reuters photo of a protestor yesterday at the inaugural session of the Organization of American States in Fort Lauderdale.

Two sparkley hooves up for this enterprising fashionista!

Donald Rumsfeld Needs to Have his Meds Adjusted

Cropped, but otherwise unaltered photos by Yuri Gripas/Reuters, taken on June 1.